Chasing Butterflies: A Tale of Dreams and Suitcases

I'm currently sitting in the only, tiny empty spot left in my room, the rest of which is full of half-packed suitcases and a huge amount of stuff that is supposed to fill the remaining space. It's 2:06 am. Everyone else is asleep. I should be asleep as well considering I have an event to attend tomorrow and have to be up early for it, but I decided to instead open up my laptop and try to make sense of what's going on in my mind right now. I have exactly 10 days left in my home before I leave said home for God knows how long and embark on this journey called 'Chasing my dream!' (which just means I am packing to leave for college abroad and am having cold feet resulting in too many emotions which I am turning into content for this blog)

I have been looking forward to this particular phase of my life for a very long time (over 2 years now.) I have had just this one goal for the last two years, which is to live in New York City. Hell, I changed my laptop's wallpaper to the picture of my dream University which is in NYC 2 years ago. And it's still the same!! And now, I will be doing just that. In 10 days, I leave for the said dream college. I should be very excited, jumping up and down really. And I was. Until I finally had to face the fact that this meant I'll have to move out of my comfortable, lovely home, away from my people. Now that opened up a lot of emotions, which I had carefully packed up in a box, locked the box, and hid in my mind, at the very back. I had planned on opening it only during my final days here and now I am in those final days. And opening the box is inevitable. Though I make sure I open it only when I'm alone. 

My father asked me the other day (when I was watching a video about NYC on TV) if I was excited because of the career and learning opportunities or because of the city and the lifestyle in said city. Now,  as 'good' a person as I want to seem and answer with 'opportunities', I can not deny the fact that I am fulfilling my dream of traveling places and living in my dream city through the education path. Of course, I gave the diplomatic 'a bit of both' answer to my father. (didn't want to disappoint him) And to be honest, BECAUSE I get to study in a big old city, I have actually gained interest in my field of study too. That's a plus. So I wasn't so much as lying by saying 'a bit of both' but yeah, you get it. (right?)

Each time watching Ye Jawaani Hai Deewani, like many other teen girls, I wanted to be a Naina (based on TWO similarities we had which were having good grades and being introverts lol) but turns out, I'm more of a Bunny (minus the red flags (which I can now, as an adult, recognize, but was blind to as a teen.)) What I mean to say is, मुझे भी डर लग रहा है. मैं भी चाहती हु की इन बची हुई रातों की सुबाह न हो, but मैं भी उड़ना, दौड़ना, और गिरना चाहती हु. मैं भी दुनिया का कोना कोना देखना चाहती हु. और अमेरिका जाना मुझे भी मेरे सपने के करीब ले जाएगा. How strange, that for the last 10 years, this has been my absolute favorite movie, but my favorite parts about the movie have changed so many times over these years. I used to find the second-chance romance trope of it to be the highlight earlier, which changed to the unexpected friendship between Naina and Aditi a few years later, and now is Bunny's determination in making a path to his dreams for himself and, no matter how difficult it was, following it. And if I CAN'T keep myself sane while doing the same in a normal way, I CAN romanticize it at the very least (it helps me cope by keeping me away from the real and in the reel 🤷🏻‍♀️.)

So anyways, here I am, trying to fit my entire life into four suitcases, anxiously preparing myself to move away from my home, to a new city far, far away, with people I have known for just a few weeks. I just hope, that when I unpack said bags in my new apartment, I also unpack the homely feeling in which all the stuff was once present. I hope my clothes have absorbed the warmth of my family and I can feel it when I wear them. I hope my hair ties have, I don't know, picked up my family's ability to help me hold myself together. (It's not making much sense but the essence of my 'I hopes' is clear I hope 😭)

Bottom line: Screaming (internally), Crying (every night under the sheets), and throwing up (well, that's because I'm sick) but weirdly excited because my 'Someday. I'll be. Living in a big old city.' moment is gonna be here super soon 👾

~vee

P.S. This does not flow as smoothly as I wish for it to, but it's raw and pure. So I hope that makes up for it :)