The General Lack of Warmth

I used to say, if you ever see me write something that is non sarcastic, non witty, and shows the slightest bit of vulnerable human emotions, you must know my blog has been hacked. So for the next five minutes, just run with that :))

It’s 7:06 PM on a Thursday evening and I’m still at my desk even though my work for the day is done. 

The sun has set and the city lights are on. I have music blasting in my ears (it’s Noah Kahan season!). I don’t feel like going home. I know why. And it’s not because I’m overjoyed to get some extra work done, it’s … just because! I’ve been feeling some type of way these past few days. I’ve been stuck in my bed and my desk and Ubers for the last two weeks because I was dumb enough to trip on my own saari on a Friday night. Can’t go to the gym, can’t walk around the city to see fall colors. Can’t walk around at all really. I tried yesterday, but I’m gonna stick to Ubers for a few more days. My sage green comforter smells of iodex (I’d really like for it to smell like something else) and I can only wear baggy jeans that allow me to have my leg bandaged. Everyone’s hellos have been replaced with “I hope you didn’t get THE email” so that doesn’t help as well (iykyk)

Yesterday, I came up with this very poetic way to describe the “some type of way” I’ve been feeling and it goes like - “I feel a general lack of warmth around me.” And no, it’s not because the temperature has started falling. It’s the good old case of missing people and being homesick and being a baby about it. I know a few things that can alleviate this feeling. None of them are achievable anytime soon, but at least I know what could fix this - a very hot and spicy bowl of ramen, being in the living room back home with FRIENDS playing in the background and me and my brother silently scrolling on our phones, a slice of biscoff cheesecake, a long, long hug, having a blonde vanilla latte and a cheese danish at a Starbucks in Manhattan, sipping tea at 6 am with my dad, being able to dance right this moment, laying on my mother’s lap like I used to when I was young, ben and jerry’s the tonight dough ice cream. Simple things in my opinion, but very much out of reach considering the guilt that comes after calories and the many, many miles of distance. 

It would have been normal for my 2024 self to feel this way, or even my April 2025 self to feel this way. I was starting a new life, new people, was stressed 25 out of 24 hours, had my walls up, and was used to prolonged periods of solitude. Why is it weird now if it was normal a year ago? Well, back then I could justify this feeling. I had all the reasons to feel this lack of warmth. But now, I do not have a justification for this. And I hateee not being able to have answers for everything. Why do I lack this reasoning? Because this year, I’ve had beautiful experiences that have taken me far, far away from sad solitude - my parents flew out here for my graduation, I flew to a few of my bucket list places, bringing 90% of my vision board to life. I’ve found a new family in my friends, and I’ve known what it is to live life like an (almost) independent adult. I find joy in routine, I started going to the gym, I fell in love with sunsets. And most of all, I have been able to relate to all the “girlhood” moments that I had only ever read about because I now have a few amazing women in my life who I am 200% sure would be by my side in the best AND in the worst of times. I have women who will get black out drunk with me and be ready to chase down any guy who remotely hurts me, even if that means we barely remember the concert we paid a good 55 bucks for - what more can I ask for! 

It’s 7:42 pm and I’m in a cab on my way home. 

There’s a few other people as well, friend’s of friends, chance encounters, who’ve stuck around and brought happiness and color to paint the walls I had up. Some close, some far away by distance. All equal contributors. And I hate that even after all this, there’s times like today where I sit alone, not talking to anyone, and crying at every second Tik-Tok or reel I see. On purpose. I mean, sure, as a mature adult I have accepted the fact that emotions can coexist, that I can be “generally” content but “momentarily” upset about a bunch of random things but I can accept it while not liking it right? That’s another thing. I have started accepting everything. As it is. The part of me, that used to complain about a specific person being shitty, or crib about missing out on experiences - that has just vanished. I still cry about that stuff, but after I’ve shrugged my shoulders and uttered”it is what it is.” God I hate this part of adulting. 

It’s 11:01 pm. I’m sitting in my room and the heater is on. I still am cold.

I feel a little better than I felt at 7:06 pm. Mostly because I was starving when I got home and now I’ve had a big bowl full of steaming hot daal chawal. Still low, still would schedule an hour to cry on the weekend. But better enough to feel like the last 500 words are just too dramatic to every see the light of the day. I am still gonna post it to my blog. Even though it’s incomplete and barely passes for a blog. But neither is my blog perfect, nor do I ever strive for it to be. I’m sure I’ll come up with better ones soon, probably when I’m on a flight next, but till then, this is it.