chasing the side character energy

I was 13 years old when I convinced my parents to take me to the theatre to watch Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani. I told them it’s a movie where a group of friends goes trekking to visit Kedarnath. Honestly, that was all I could interpret from the snowy mountains and an orange flag in the trailer—I was a very, very naive nerd. My sweet, innocent parents agreed, and we booked the tickets for the four of us (my brother included). To no one’s surprise, the plot of the movie was a BIG surprise to everyone, so much so that I had to pretend to be asleep for half the movie.

At 13, no parent in India in their right minds wanted their child watching "teenagers" playing drinking games, kissing, going on solo trips, falling in love, breaking up, patching up, etc., etc. And no child in their right mind wanted to watch teenagers drinking, dancing, kissing, etc.—at least not WITH their parents. Most (I hope not just me) didn’t even know about this stuff. But now that I had seen the movie, which happened to star my ABSOLUTE favorite actor RK, I definitely knew about the genre called "romance." I completely forgot about the movie as soon as we got out of the theatre, and no one discussed anything on our way back home.

Two years passed by, and I turned 15. One fine evening, I browsed through movies my brother had downloaded on our family laptop. Most of them were sci-fi or Hollywood movies, but one caught my eye—YJHD. It was the only one I recognized, and I wanted to watch it. I didn’t have access to a laptop back then, so my only option was to have my brother transfer that movie to my phone (or tablet—I don’t remember clearly) because I was never (and still am not) tech-savvy. He did his magic, and I had the luxury of playing the movie as many times as I wanted, whenever I wanted. And thus began the saga of watching it a minimum of five times each week.

I used to come back from school, and instead of turning on the TV, I’d plug in my cheap wired headphones and watch YJHD start to end. I, like every teenage girl at that time, resonated with "Naina"—nerdy girl with no friends who liked a popular boy. Well, maybe not the second part yet, but soon. I used to be so content with being the quiet girl, the (kind of) topper student, always buried in books with little to no real friends. I used to feel like suffering now would lead me to finding the popular guy who would one day notice me, bring me out of my shell, fall in love with me, and boom, eight years later, we’d have our happily ever after. Every time I listened to Subhanallah, I became the Main Character in my head.

Another year later, I kinda sorta identified a guy who would "potentially" play the role of Bunny in my "hypothetical" future. I was pretty sure we would bump into each other eight years later. [That should be about now 👀]

As I lived a little more life, finished high school, and started undergrad studies, I was exposed to a lot more content belonging to this "romance" or "rom-com" genre. I watched (and rewatched) FRIENDS and, like most people, was in awe of Ross and Rachel's love story. A good chunk of the series revolved around them. I couldn’t resonate with Rachel, but I definitely wanted to find a guy who would be "the Ross to my Rachel" [giving up a chance to be on TV to go to the doctor with her even when they weren't dating!???]. I also binged HIMYM and fell for Ted. I did resonate with Robin because I, too, was (am) loud, have attachment issues, can never stay serious, and must always crack a joke. I pictured myself in a suit, waiting for a French horn with a can of olives. I watched New Girl, was deluded that I, too, was a "Jess" and would one day end up subletting an apartment to finally find my "Nick"—honestly, he might have been my biggest sitcom crush!

And now that I am writing all this down, I am remembering that even when I was younger, I so badly wanted my name to be Aditi at some point just because it would make the "my best friend who would obviously fall for me"'s life so much easier whenever we had a fight; all he would have to do is sing "Soch zara jaane jaan, tujhko hum kitna chahate hain? Rote hain hum bhi agar teri aankhon mein aansu aate hain!"

Point being, watching these shows always got me in the feels, and I wanted to live in the shoes of the female MCs (main characters). Every day, on my way to school or college, I would sit alone in the bus or the train, listen to the most emotionally draining but beautiful songs playing on the radio or in my headphones, and pretend that someone was filming my life constantly and everything was happening "for the plot." Pretend that I AM the main character. Be deluded that every bad thing that was happening to me was just to build up to the happy ending.

Me being overweight for the better part of my teens and then losing a little weight during COVID felt like I was having my "Anjali starts wearing a sari instead of basketball clothes" moment. Me deciding to move abroad for my studies to New York felt like I was one step away from bringing "The American Roommate Experiment" to life. I've always chased the main character energy. But do I really want it?

The second half of 2024, these last six months, have been months of growth for me. I feel like I have changed a lot in every sense—I have become calmer, I am learning to say no, I don’t feel the need to share every minor inconvenience I have with my family, I got a job, I’ll soon become financially independent (touch wood), and I have entered a phase where my meals are built around "protein." More importantly, I am finally feeling like I am growing up.

Growing up has come with a set of many big events/moments for me—I'm living in a quintessential Manhattan apartment, I have solo explored all the neighborhoods, solo hiked and almost got lost in the woods, had loud conversations with not-so-close friends, got attached to close friends, had to say goodbye to said close friends, maneuvered talking stages, simped hard while taking no actions (as I should), cried over being lonely, tried to get drunk a few times to gather the courage to send some texts (never did, thankfully), and then went on a rant about all of this on Tumblr.

If I go into the details of each of these events, it would make a really good story for a mini-series. As much adrenaline and dopamine and X, Y, and Z hormones I got from living through these few months, I am tired. Exhausted even.

I was watching season 3 of Mismatched recently, and I was surprised with myself that I didn’t find the main characters and their love story appealing anymore—too many plot twists, too much trauma just to build the drama, unnecessary struggles just to keep the show going. And for a minute there I thought, I no longer want to be Dimple, even though she is just like me—nerd, emotionally unavailable, pushes everyone away. I don’t want a Rishi; I would much prefer to settle with a Harsh—no drama, emotionally available, brings me peace instead of butterflies.

And then I realized how much my choices have changed—I want to be Aditi and find a Taran rather than be Naina and choose between a career and life as a traveler. I want a weird, fulfilling story like Phoebe and Mike, instead of a dragged-out dramatic plot of Ross and Rachel. I want to be a side character in the grand scheme of things of someone else’s story! Bring comic relief, have a secondary arc, steal the audience's heart with a small appearance, and just dance my night away in the background. Winston and Ally, Lily and Marshall (to some extent), Rohan and Pooja from K3G, Imraan and Nuria from ZNMD, Totlu and Bombs from JTYJN. Everyone remembers them, but they didn’t have to deal with as much drama as the main leads.

Not a lot of what I wrote above makes sense, but that's the best I can do for now. I want to change. I want to become a more sane, composed, content person who is happy to be away from the spotlight. I want to live a full life, travel, and do everything I dream of, but I'm okay with no one ever finding out about any of it. I could be a passing thought; my vlog could be playing in the background, in the female lead's living room, when she plans her trip to NYC. I could be a coffee table book on a shelf in a bookstore's filler shot—still a part of the story, but detached from the main plot. I guess I am in my "ready to find a guy, fall in love simply, work my arse off, earn good money, live in a quaint house close to some big city, and make cameos in my friends' big movie-like lives" era. I just hope the next year blesses me with this energy.

Byeee!